Life…The Final Frontier

I think I have a problem. I am constantly drawn to men that I can’t have. Either they are significantly older, questionably happily married or something…I don’t know. It’s just always getting in the way. I don’t know how I am ever going to find someone who is okay for me to go out with? I keep falling for the wrong people. Not that they are wrong for me, but they’re not for me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t not like someone. I have to…it’s fun to do. Not only that, it gives me something to think and dream about. And believe me, I’ve had some pretty out there dreams. LoL I’ve taken advice from some who knows and I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be that other woman or the woman who wrecks a family for lust or is with someone older just because guys my age are idiots. I also don’t want to wait forever. I don’t want to be 30 and just then getting married. Not good. I don’t want to be 35 and just then having kids. I don’t want to be 50 when my kid is 15. I also don’t want to be 20 with my first kid either. When will I know it’s time? When will I find him? When will the right one come along? Will I find him, or will he find me? I’m so impatient. I just want my life to move so fast, but I feel like when I get there, I will have wished that it had gone much slower. I don’t want that to happen either. I just want to be happy and content and comfortable with life. Hell, with myself for that matter. Because presently, I’m not happy or content or comfortable with life or with myself and I don’t know why. I wish I did. Maybe then I wouldn’t worry so much. I worry about anything and everything…even things that have nothing to do with me. I don’t know. I don’t know who I am. I just know who I want to be or who I think I am and that’s not good enough for me right now. I need more than that. I do. I have very high standards and I am not meeting them.

Screw all this shit, I just wish that the man that I am presently fond of wasn’t attached…knew that I felt this way…felt the same way. I don’t know what it is about him. Clearly it’s not looks. I mean, he’s not hideous, but not someone I would typically have these kinds of feelings about. He’s smart, funny, he makes me laugh, he is a good listener, he has seen me when I’m angry and sad, he works hard, he loves what he does, he is multilingual, he knows music, plays music, he is articulate, he is caring and loving and all of the things that I look for…(minus the looks) But he’s already taken. I am worried that I will never find anyone like him. That meets those criteria.

What is a girl to do?

 I’ve been watching the Golden Girls since I was about 11. It’s a great show. I love it with all of my heart. It’s byfar my most favorite show on the planet.

So the end of my first semester here at Texas State is near. I’m glad that it’s coming to an end. Even though it’s been really easy and very liberating, I’m going to be glad to be going home for a while. I’m needed there. Don’t get me wrong, it’s probably going to suck being at home with my mom and grandma and their dirty selves…It’s going to be hell, but that’s my life. It’s so weird…I’m in college. Me, Karla…in college. Ahhh…that’s a good one. You know, I can’t say that it’s been bad here, because it hasn’t. Aside from the one retarded roommate, it’s been good here. My classes have been semi easy and the people here are cool. Most of all, the professors are great. They are. They will be missed. LoL

I did. Gosh, I feel like a failure to myself. I promised myself that I could do it (stay away), and that I would cease all connections and ties until her birthday. But nooooooooooooooooooooooooo….
See what happened was…I was looking around on the net for stuff to get her for her birthday. Pretty innocent. Then I thought to myself, I should get her tickets to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra! She likes stuff like that and had mentioned it before…so I look at the tickets and then realize, what if I get her these tickets and she can’t go for whatever reason. I don’t want her to give them away to someone and me have wasted well over $100 for the damn things! So I was like I’ll just send her a simple e-mail…5 sentences or less, to ask if she was going to be busy on that day at that time or what. I debated on wether to do it or not for quite some time until I finally just did it and then afterward wanted to gauge my eyes out for it.

 <- This is her. She has shown me how strong a woman can and will be for the sake of friends and family. I admire her for that.

That still doesn’t change the fact that I CAVED, I GAVE IN.
Oh and by the way, she did too. She answered back.

Is it really this bad? Well, apparently people in Germany happen to think so.

You know, it’s really funny that I keep pouring my heart out on these blogs and I know that nobody reads them. I’m just crazy, I guess.

Anyway, about the title of this blog…
Last night after work, I stopped by an old friend’s house. I hadn’t seen them in damn forever. It was a little scary for me to go knock on their door. I will admit that, but it was just like old times when I went in and we started talking. I’ve always felt close to them…even though they are NOTHING like my parents. Maybe that’s why. They’re cool though. It’s just wo weird to think about how long I’ve known them and how well they know me and how much of my life they’ve been trhough with me. Crazy. I’m glad that I stopped by.
I am.

This year going to Wurstfest was different. I didn’t really go with a school. It was weird. I went, sort of on my own. In the morning with Sandi Mays and Pam Saldana and some of the Tafolla kids and in the afternoon with an old friend and her odd looking boyfriend. It wasn’t the same. So anyway, back to the 8 year thing…this was my 8th year in a row that I’ve gone. Nothing has changed, except for the prices. LoL

I do have to say though, I used to go for the fun stuff, but after that it was only about the food.

Not a whole lot of people know what went on between Meli and I that day. Not even Albert. I went to Tafolla…I was supposed to work with Mrs. Mays that day, but I made sure to get there a little early so I could go talk to Meli first. I wanted to ask her if there was something that was bothering her about me. See what had happened was that a couple of visits before, she had been acting quite rude toward me like not talking to me or just ignoring me and I didn’t like it. It wasn’t very nice. So there I was at the school, I went with a purpose, to speak my mind, to tell her what I felt. That didn’t happen. Like usual she made me feel like an idiot and I ended up saying things that I didn’t know were on my mind and it snowballed from there. She kept asking what was wrong and I resisted. Then finally I started to cry. I myself didn’t even know why it was happening.  We walked down the stairs I cried more, she was just walking and she knew, but didn’t ant to acknowledge it yet. Finally we got down to the main office, she was signing out and teachers were coming in and out and Ms. Kuehl came up and said hi and I said hi to her, Meli tried to hide that something was wrong by not letting me talk. Keuhl asked how I was and I was about to answer when Meli answered for me. She was like, oh she’s fine…doing good at Texas State. I was furious. After the hallway cleared, she was like ok, what the hell’s the matter with you? I couldn’t tell her and I just started to cry even more. I’m more than sure that she felt bad so she invited me over to the house. On one condition though. I had to tell her what was the matter with me. So I finally said it. I think what I said made her mad. So we drove. I followed her to the house and I cried, hard, the entire way. She could probably tell by the way that my eyes looked. We get off and inside the house. I sit on the couch, take off my shoes and glasses, wipe my eyes off and turn on the tv. She goes to change out of her work clothes and comes back then she starts in on me. We have this deep conversation, well really it’s just her talking at me. Trying to talk some sense into me. I needed that. I really did. I just wish that she had gone about her plan a little diferently.

So it’s been 3 weeks since I have called, written or e-mailed. I wonder if she thinks that what she said worked or if she thinks that she won. In a way she did, but I’m just staying away to keep her happy. I’ve barely talked to Albert. I’ll wait until her birthday to talk to her. I still don’t know what to get her…if anything. Nah, I have to.

That’s it. That’s what happened and that’s what’s going on right now.