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- Karla Bonenberger
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Love life or lack there of…
Good day Readers.
Short update on how things are going before I really get into what’s ailing me. Week one of summer school has gone by, not as bad as I thought, but still tiring, I am settled into my new apartment which is great and things are getting on their way!
As I had mentioned before in a previous post, there is a man who, whether he likes it or not, is in my life and for the most part we have fun together. Ideally, we are right for each other…I think; or should I say, I believe that he is just what I’ve been looking for lately. He is extremely intelligent, articulate, he makes me laugh and from what I perceive, he cares about me. I haven’t said it out loud to him yet, but I care for him as well. There are so many obstacles in our way that he believes (and I am starting to also) that this whole thing is going no where or just that it can’t go anywhere. He and I have had many conversations about everything, but mainly this particular subject and we always arrive at the same conclusion that for me seems never ending, it won’t ever be done being talked about, there’s always more. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be with me or that he wouldn’t put aside some of the business that could plague his conscience…it’s much more than that; there’s a past relationship that, for lack of better words, screwed him over, there are professional boundaries that he is not daring enough to cross, “generational issues” that he himself has created-it is sincerely a never ending list that doesn’t have to be so long. The relationship thing I do understand, but the other things are indeed just ‘things’ that can be put aside when the moment should come that he realizes that I care for him and that we should pursue this. I believe that if I am willing to take precautions to protect him and myself during the day and to love him unconditionally through the times when things are hard or when we just can’t take sneaking and hiding, he should see that and know that “where there is a will there is a way”. Right?
Whenever we get to the point in our discussions where I just want to tell him-don’t you just ever let your guard down, put your concience to bed and let things happen in the moment? I wish he did do that. I think then he would see that maybe this could work out.
Age is just a number, we shouldn’t let it dictate who we talk to or don’t talk to and we definitely shouldn’t let it stop us from doing what our hearts will us to do.
Truly Yours,
Karla Bonenberger
Winey Experiences
Throughout my few, but very plentiful escapades in Austin, I have come to the conclusion that 1. I like it and 2. There’s sweet places to go. I’m usually there with a friend who more or less knows where he’s going and has never done me wrong in chosing a place to show me.
Yesterday night was one of the award winning evenings of the season. Went to Austin to meet a friend for some wine; I have had my share, but usually just stuff I buy myself. This place, Uncorked, satisfied my want for wine that evening. Honestly at that point, I wasn’t even worried about the wine, I was more concerned with who I was with, but the wine made everything more fun. I had a flight of sweet whites which was just what I needed to ease my mind of its insecurities. He noticed; good man. Back to the wine…it was great, I would definitely go there again and bring friends and turn them on to it. Let me just say: I do love wine. Love it. Mmm…wine.
After that, my wine escapades were far from over. The Austin Wine Festival was underway and there was NO WAY I was going to pass that up. So two friends and I bought tickets and were on our way. I got there and was in an Unterteilung of heaven. I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is in English…deal with it. Anyway, there were wines there from every winery in Texas. I was sincerely impressed with the outcome. Aside from the hot and sweaty weather, today was a good day filled with Pei Wei and lots of good Wine.
Ode to Wine…
Day-colored wine,
night-colored wine,
wine with purple feet
or wine with topaz blood,
wine,
starry child of earth,wine,
smooth as a golden sword,
soft as lascivious velvet,
wine,
spiral-seashelled and full of wonder,
amorous,
marine;
never has one goblet contained you,
one song, one man,
you are choral, gregarious,
at the least, you must be shared.
At times you feed on mortal memories;
your wave carries us
from tomb to tomb,
stonecutter of icy sepulchers,
and we weep
transitory tears;
your glorious spring dress is different,
blood rises through the shoots,
wind incites the day,
nothing is left of your immutable soul.Wine stirs the spring,
happiness bursts through the earth like a plant,
walls crumble,
and rocky cliffs,
chasms close,
as song is born.
A jug of wine, and thou beside me in the wilderness,
sang the ancient poet.
Let the wine pitcher add to the kiss of love its own.
My darling, suddenly
the line of your hip
becomes the brimming curve
of the wine goblet,
your breast is the grape cluster,
your nipples are the grapes,
the gleam of spirits lights your hair,
and your navel is a chaste seal
stamped on the vessel of your belly,
your love an inexhaustible
cascade of wine,
light that illuminates my senses,
the earthly splendor of life.
But you are more than love,
the fiery kiss,
the heat of fire,
more than the wine of life;
you are
the community of man,
translucency,
chorus of discipline,
abundance of flowers.
I like on the table,
when we’re speaking,
the light of a bottle
of intelligent wine.
Drink it,
and remember in every
drop of gold,
in every topaz glass,
in every purple ladle,
that autumn labored
to fill the vessel with wine;
and in the ritual of his office,
let the simple man remember
to think of the soil and of his duty,
to propagate the canticle of the wine.
Indemnity
Hello again.
Here I am on my “summer vacation” before I embark on what will probably be the most shoddy summer of all times. It’s my own fault, or is it summer school who is at fault?
A little update from February to now: Spring Break came and went with no excitement whatsoever. I have been making the drive down to the Valley more often now; not because I have to, but because I feel like if I’m not there with my friend, I will miss out on something and not be there for her. She’s doing much better and I like to think that I had something to do with that. The last few weeks of the semester after the break kind of dragged on, there were some points where I thought we would never be done. I have overcome my fear of the metropolis that is Austin and am now a big fan. I also recently have found a new partner interest; now I don’t want the word partner to throw you off reader, I am just trying spare the use of names and gender so as to not give away identities. Wait…he deserves his own post so I’ll stop right here. Continuing on with my update…classes and life rolled on and toward the end, I was just anxious to get out. Also, graduating to a new step in adulthood, leased a new apartment at the same complex as my best friend and I can’t wait to move in. I’m just scared of that part of my life I suppose. The part that has to pay bills and keep track of things. I’m ready…I think. OH, I also have a new haircut. I think it makes a big difference in my appearance, 6 less inches of hair will do that. I’ll put a picture up. Another big update, I had my first drunken vomit episode, we all know how I just DETEST vomit, but it happened and let’s just say that it will never happen again. Toward the end of the semester, last couple of days there was scarce movement in the world but a little drama, but where would we be without it? Drama.
“Oh Gott in Himmel!” said in the Valentina voice. Now there’s a post right there, Valentina Glajar. Haha.
No real complaints, friends are good, sex is good, life is hectic, but good…new friends are always good so that’s where things are now. I’m sitting here only because I want to, because I enjoy this time to myself to think and express thoughts and as someone recently pointed out to me I like to cruise through the internet super highway via Google and satisfy my urges of curiosity and there is nothing wrong with that. Tell me you’ve never done that and I’ll hit a bitch.
That’s all for now, reader.
Until next time,
Karla Bonenberger
This is the new updated Karla Bonenberger as of March.
It’s been years.
Oh my how could I let time pass like this? I first made this blog site in 2006 for a class. I guess I hadn’t payed any attention to it since then. I should, writing, for me is a way to vent and to just kind of take a deep breath and know that I got it (what ever IT may be) off of my chest.
While reading my last post from 2 years ago, I realized that honestly, not much has changed. That’s pretty sad since college years are supposed to make you into the person you’re going to be for the rest of your life. I take that back, I have changed. I have matured into a person who knows what she wants, knows how to get it and definitely knows that life is no picnic. I have also changed my general person; I’m still Karla, but just a different version.
Over the past year and a half or so I’ve made a slew of new friends, changed religions, had surgery, turned my bad grades into good ones and I’ve just recently turned 21. Good stuff.
So most of my new friends are the kind of people that one can depend on and know that those are the friends that 20 years from now, you’ll be telling your kids stories about. I’m glad that I’ve met them. I’ve also come upon my new found Jewishness through them, with their help and mostly by myself. I didn’t feel like Catholicism was “doing it” for me. Judaism filled the void of needing to belong, feeling like I understand religion and a sense of community. Last semester, beginning of December to be exact, I was out to dinner with my friend’s dad who happened to be in town from Florida and when I got home from that, I was in excruciating pain. Immediately being the scaredy that I am, put my symptoms on Web MD and like always they told me I was dying so that couldn’t very well be a source for good information. I had had stomach problems before, but this pain was like no other. I read on-line that if pain persisted for more than 4 hours, it was serious and I should go to the ER. After the first hour or so, I was pacing, crying and calling a friend to come keep me company. 3 hours later we were in the ER in Austin, I was being admitted. Appendicitis is a bitch. Never in my life have I ever been in so much pain. That night I was told I had to have surgery and that was scary. Within hours I had had the surgery and was in my own bed later that night. Being 21 is no different than being any other age except now I can “legally” buy and drink my own alcohol.
Most recently, I have had to help a friend through some hard times. I have had to come to the realization that even the good guys go bad sometime or another. Let me tell you, reader, it was hard to see someone I love and respect so down. People hurt people. This story will have to wait for its own blog.
There’s so much to say when catching up…don’t ever know where to start or end.
Until next time reader.
Update On Life
It is near the end of the semester, my first semester. Everything has moved so fast, does that mean that the rest of my life will pass my by within the flashes of the flashes, too? I certainly hope not. I guess everything just blows my mind and surprises me when I sit and think about the fact that in three years, I will be completely alone. I’ll be out of college, hopefully teaching somewhere cool, hopefully being courted.
Crazy.
As for other things that I have not recently reported on:
My grades are still scary. They’re not going to be awesome and I know it, and that makes me feel terrible. I’m just not doing as well as I would like to. I don’t know what it is…
Well, I made a dumb comment and let my guard down and now HE knows. He hasn’t shown me how he feels about it yet, but I just have to give him time. I’m so afraid that this thing with HIM will impair my ability to find someone real, someone who I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. Also, I am totally and completely alone. I have nobody.
I feel awful.
Plans for the summer? I have no idea. I just know that I’ll be doing a lot of sleeping and a lot of hanging out with Adri. I don’t know about work yet and I also don’t know about California. I haven’t heard from my sister, giving me the ok to come out…I wonder what’s up with that? I don’t know. I am getting a new tattoo and Adri and I are getting a Hookah together. I’m excited about that.
I feel nauseous.
Anyway, that’s it. I’m out.
I Take It Back…
I’m taking back what I said about being so great at German. I thought I was. That is until I was proven otherwise. 
Maybe I’m not so good. That makes me sad, though…to be shitty at the thing that that I love most in the world. It breaks my heart. ♥
Life sucks.
Everyne keeps telling me…All you need to do is go to Germany for a year and then you’ll finally break through and get it, you’re a very smart girl, Karla, but you really need to go. DUH! Don’t you think I know that I need to go to Germany? It would be totally random if I was a German teacher and I had never been to Germany. How could I ever teach kids about it if I hadn’t experienced it for myself? I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. That would be lame. For them, it would be like having a geography teacher who has never traveled the world, but has studied it extensively in books and from pictures. It’s not the same.
I’m not ready for upper level German courses in the fall. That would just put me in a worse German hole than I am now. I’m scared.
What should I do?
I just want to be good. I just want to do well. That’s all. 
Prodigy
Could I be a German prodigy?
Nothing more would make me happy than to be the best at what I love so dearly.
I have a new german prof. this semester, Dr. V. Glajar. She is somethin’ else. I really like her a lot. I have a good feeling about her and this semester. I think I’m going to learn a lot from her; inside the classroom and out. She is very smart and accomplished and more than anything else, I can tell from barely knowing her that she likes to have fun, she’s funny. Who the hell doesn’t like to have fun? (Well, except for those few that I could probably name off the top of my head. LoL)
She said one thing to me tonight that made me kind of wonder about her and about me…She said that I reminded her of herself. That’s pretty sweet if you ask me,’cause she’s awesome. I want to know though, I want to know exactly what it is about herself that she sees in me. I’m sure that during the rest of the semester I will get to know her better and in turn answer my own questions. But for now, I’ll just wonder and keep on laughin’ with the good Romanian lady.
Well, I just thought that I would let everyone know that I’m excited about this. I was actually smiling today. 
Update On Life
Well, it has been awhile since I have spoken out to the public. Not much has been going on since I posted up last. Except that I am back at school now. Starting a new semester, clearly this one is more important than last semester. While here these recent weeks, I have gathered that I just haven’t found my spot here at Texas State. I have friends and people that I hang out with and do stuff with, but I’m talking about a club or organization or something of that sort, something binding. It is clearly apparent that Band/Color Guard left a void in my life. For four years, my life was consumed by pep-rallies, football games, bus trips, competitions, winter guard, bake sales, fundraisers…etc. Now that I am free and have no power over anyone and can do what I please with my time, I feel lost. Boo to that. I wish that I could just find my place and stay there and be safe from whatever. But no, life has to be not fun and difficult and teach me a lesson. Stupid life.Exciting News!!!
I have been asked to be a judge at Sprachfest! I am so excited. For so long, I was a competitor in that competition and now I will be the one to decide who is good and who isn’t. I’m sure that it will be hard. The good thing is, I don’t know anyone who will be competing, so I won’t have any bias toward anyone. Good shot, Karla. That should be fun, though. That’s one step up for me in the world of German educators. J
I wish that I wasn’t in pain as much as I am. I hurt, really bad, all the time. Maybe that’s why I’m such a hermit. I like to go out and stuff, but I don’t like to be the one that, when out, drags everyone down because I don’t feel well and act differently because of how I feel. LoL maybe I should get that checked out…Ya think? I think that’s about all that’s going on at the moment.
Alright, let’s sum all of this up: New semester, new friends, void in life, Sprachfest, pain. That sounds about right.
Until next time, readers.
Good times.
Him…
The big question that is on my mind these days is…Does he know? Does he know that I am “in love” with him? Has he suddenly pieced together what’s been going on? Does he know and is OK with it? Is he freaked out? Will he act on what he knows?
The love that I have for him is one hundred percent unforgivably forbidden.
I love him because he is intelligent, articulate, humorous, talented, driven, loving, understanding, multilingual. Honestly, I could sit somewhere and just listen to him babble on and on about whatever and be entertained by his presence. I don’t even have to see him to feel enthralled. Just knowing that he is in my midst…
Sadly, he is unavailable to me. He is with wife and child. If I were someone’s wife and I had a child by him, I wouldn’t be too happy to find out that my husband is “fooling around” with a much younger, prettier and thinner woman.
I have made so many mistakes in attempting to hide my feelings and sly actions. That is why I think that he knows. I think that this last slip up of mine was the one. The one where he realized…I think she may have a thing for me. Can he blame me? I don’t want to sound shallow or anything, but this IS NOT about looks. Definitely not. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not hideous, but he isn’t someone that I would “normally” go out with or be seen with all hugged up with or anything. It’s just a fact. My afflicting affection is solely based on his personality, mannerisms, presence and general being.
If he does know, may he please know that my feelings are involved and if at one point he does decide to confront me about it, let him be civil and understanding. This is one person that I want to be a part of my life as long humanly possible.
I love him.
